My Outlook on Relationships

Recently I've been "talking to someone" luckily they don’t know about my blog yet so I'm in a free space lol. But anyway it's brought so many questions to my mind lately. In the past I never get past this “talking phase”. Something always happens that gets in the way of me being someone’s girlfriend. That be that the guy doesn't like me, he finds someone else to date, or he just decides not to call me ever (unannounced to me what I did wrong). I have so many stories of talking to guys and it not working out, and it has never been my decision. I know I’m only 18 but high school felt like forever and my college luck has yet to change. I always wanted a boyfriend so badly in high school but I just couldn't quite get there for some reason. Recently I realized that maybe it just wasn't the time. There are no coincidences when you're dealing with God and if any of those relationships would've worked out I know I would be a completely different person right now. That being because half of those guys were definitely not boyfriend material and because being single gave me a chance to know myself, know God, and really pursue my own aspirations. I lacked confidence and independence for the first half of high school and if I would’ve started dating any one then I would probably still have the same troubles now. Also when I was younger I NEVER thought I was going to hold out sex in a relationship for longer than like 6 months so I definitely wouldn't have a blog called Pure Jess. There are so many reasons that I feel like God blocked me from having what I THOUGHT I "needed".    

I would always looked around me and hated being alone.  How did so-and-so get a boyfriend? Why am I never enough for anybody? How come I don’t have a valentine, or a prom date, or a bae? There were so many depressing days when I really felt like I was missing a whole life experience that I couldn't get back. True that I didn't have something, but a boyfriend isn't everything. Most of high school I managed to not really have friends either..... Luckily I redeemed myself during senior year in the friends department but moving to college doesn't always make those easy to maintain.

But anyway I still never really formed a friendship that deep. A best friend, a person, someone I could tell anything to, an unconditional relationship......  besides my mom I never really talked to anyone that deep. So thinking of the possibility of really having a boyfriend at this point is kind of weird because I don't even have a close friend so now I'm opening myself up to a relationship that’s going to consume my days, take my thoughts, become so much of my life and be so deep… so I hear.

After wanting one so bad for so long now I just get a headache when I think about it. I mean what does one do with a boyfriend? Do you take it for walks, do you feed it, does it need sunlight.... what if I don't feel like hanging out, or what about when I have to relay the message that essentially he’s only getting sex from me if we get married. What a great prize… if he even enters the race with that condition. People are so complicated, there are so many different variables to a person. In the end with friendships I've mostly been left disappointed... so now that the stakes are raised, what will I do? Not that I’m the perfect person of course but I've always seemed to end up being that "server friend". When you need something you can call me, we can talk for however long, go where you want to go, and follow your speed. That slight occurrence when I need something.... well we'll see if it’s convenient. I've had a few greats so I'm not going to say this happens all the time, just about 97%. My outlook on romantic relationships definitely stems from friendships. And sometimes I can admit maybe I could speak up more for what I need and what I don’t get. But do I really have to beg for attention… It always sounds so pathetic in my mind. “Can you listen to me more”, don’t do this, don’t do that. “I hate when you____” It makes me feel ___ when you do that” “could you spend more time on me”… I really hate doing that. Partly because sometimes it just doesn’t work. And partly because don’t people take the time to ask you how you’re doing if they really care? Must I really have to give directions? So if someone doesn’t seem to care that much must I really beg for their compassion… I would rather just watch Netflix with bag of chips and not expect much from them moving forward. And although I grew to enjoy my time alone with no friends I eventually ran into some roadblocks there too because when you don’t have them then if you want to go to the movies or a party you have to stay home, or if you get exciting news you have no one to tell, or when you need advice while your texting a guy there’s nobody you can call and ask. Then you get all depressed and lonely……. It’s so hard out here.

That’s why the only person who can really fill a void is God, because he’s always there, he doesn’t leave you and sometimes you might feel disappointed but you know he’s looking out for you and whatever you do he won’t leave you. There’s so much security and safety. Some people don’t have any faith and rely on the world around them. I feel no peace in the world around me without God as my foundation so it’s always really interesting when people say that. I almost laugh to myself like man, they must have a great best friend or a boyfriend. I wouldn’t trade God for anyone on Earth obviously but still, it’s interesting to me.

BTW this is not just a “I have no friends” rant. This is directly connected to purity because all the experiences you have in life contribute to how you act and respond in other areas. Purity goes deeper than just saving yourself for marriage. It’s how you live life every day. Also don’t feel bad for me. When I look back I wouldn’t have things any other way, I like who am a lot and all those sad days brought me to better ones today. I feel stronger and wiser. Growth happens outside of comfort. So I couldn’t appreciate the lessons that came out of that chapter until I started a new one. Now I look back satisfied. Still low-key wishing I would’ve had a prom date though but I’ll survive lol. This was just a little self-reflection.

            It’s such a weird thing. You can’t give up hope because life with no hope is hopeless so you just have to have faith that the next friendships and relationships are better and that things work out. As far as this possible boyfriend situation nothing’s official so we’ll see, I’ll keep you guys posted ;) 

XOXO Pure Jess

If you liked this post check out my other blog post Why Shouldn't I Just Have Sex?

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