How to Explain That You're "Waiting for Marriage"

     I feel like once you get the conviction in your heart and find the courage to really commit to waiting until marriage to have sex it's an easy path to walk on most days. When I was trying to make the decision to save myself a few of my main concerns were: "How am I supposed to explain this to other people?","What questions will they ask?", "How will I make it sound normal?", and "When do I bring up to a guy that I'm waiting?" All of these were situations that were much easier to handle than I thought they would be. 

     Below I have a series of questions that I have been asked and the way that I typically go about answering them. When reading some of these responses and trying to apply them to your own life remember that you have to be straight forward. There is no sugar coating or beating around the bush when you're talking about not having sex until your wedding night. I have tried my best to be creative, but the only way to get the message across clearly (and yes you want it to be 100% clear) is to just say it. Lastly, make sure to be genuine, honest, let people ask questions, and don't get offended by what they may say or think. 

Pure Tip: Don't get defensive while talking to people about saving yourself. Your choice to honor God's will and save the action of sex for marriage is nothing to be ashamed of! Being transparent and sharing your story with others will only open people's minds to have a better understanding of you and God.

Q1) What made you decide to wait?

A- While answering this question it depends on the person you're talking to and how much time you have to explain. For some people I give them the whole story which can be found in my Pure Jess Introduction. But for most I just say that after taking a time of self-reflection I realized that I have to live my life for myself unapologetically. And I can't be too afraid to do something because of societal norms. I always knew I wanted to wait and eventually I found the strength through God to begin this journey unabashed. Also after seeing the negative affects that is has had on friends and other people around me I didn't want to subject myself to the same harm. 

Q2) How are you going to actually do this?

A- To answer this I usually just give some examples of the different boundaries that I have set for myself. For example be upfront with what you aren't going to do in the relationship, never elude or tease that you will do something sexual, and in most situations keep a good distance between you a your boyfriend/bae/boo or whatever he is lol. (I say most times because obviously sometimes you're going to sit next to each other or be close, I'm just saying don't make it a constant habit to be all up under him.)

Pure Tip: Set your boundaries and don't cross them! Everything you thought of was made a boundary for a reason, you can not second guess yourself. Especially not because your boyfriend or friends start questioning you. STAND FIRM IN YOUR BELIEFS

Q3) Why do you even want to be in relationship?

A-  A relationship is supposed to be grounded in more than just sex. So just because I'm not having sex until marriage doesn't mean I can't have a healthy and fun relationship with someone. 

Q4) What reactions do you get when you tell people?

A- It's interesting that as someone is reacting to my "news" they want to know how others have responded. But none the less I tell them.... some people know I'm conservative and aren't surprised, most just give me a shocked look, some question me very bluntly and tell me this goal I have is probably not going to last once I get a boyfriend, and some just tell me that I'm right, and sex isn't worth all the drama it comes with, especially when you and the person you were having sex with break up.

Q5) So what do you consider yourself... are you abstaining from sex, celibate, a real virgin?

A- I definitely clear up that yes I've never had any type of sex. And I explain that I'm not that particular about the phrasing. Some people say the being celibate and abstinent are different. There are a few technicalities that make them different but to me they are still synonyms and I use them interchangeably. Both mean that you're choosing to refrain from an activity like having sex, doing drugs, drinking alcohol etc

Q6) At what stage in the relationship do you bring it up?

A- This was the question I struggled with a lot. As a little update for you guys I recently just told a guy this yesterday. It kind of came out naturally because he mentioned that he wasn't having sex again until he was in a serious relationship. So I just literally said "Mhmm, that's interesting. I'm actually waiting until marriage to have sex with someone." Of course the conversation went on after that, but that's how it began. Like I mentioned there is no way to say it besides just saying it. Luckily for me in this situation he brought up the subject so I was able to just follow suit. If you're getting to know someone effectively even if you have to bring it up first it should come out in conversation eventually. I don't think it's necessary to say on a first date but once you know for sure that you like someone you definitely have to say it before things get too far in. For most guys, if not all guys it's a very serious factor so letting things go on for too long is not a good idea. 
     Just trust your gut, everyone's timing is going to be different. If you feel the need to say it on the first date then do so. Remember that everything on this blog is MY opinion based on my life experiences. You have to take the tips and tools you find here and apply only what YOU see fit for YOUR life!

     In the future I will definitely have more Q and A's about this topic so comment down below if you have any questions you want answered. Have an AWESOME week everyone and be sure to check back here on Friday for more! 

XOXO Pure Jess

P.S. Be sure to check out my last post if you missed it! What to do on a 1st Date

P.U.R.E

My new P.U.R.E. acronym! Join the Pure Movement ✊🏾💕 #PureJess

What to do on A 1st Date

In the search for Mr. Right we’re all bound to date a few Mr. Never Agains. While you’re doing so it all has to start somewhere....the dreaded first date. To help us navigate through this night effectively I’ve compiled two lists below, one of them is the things that we should definitely expect guys to do on 1st date and the second is what we as girls need to do. Both are important because sometimes people just don’t measure up and you have to keep your eyes peeled for red flags, nobody’s prefect of course but for 2 hours on a first date everyone's best face should be forward. That being said sometimes we set ourselves up for failure or things don’t work out because it’s us. 

Things HE should do:

1.  Picking you up at the door When a guy texts you to come outside or calls you when he’s almost there it’s not very romantic. A date, especially the FIRST date needs to come to the door/your dorm to get you. 
2. Paying for the Date  Being a teenager or being in school is tough, especially monetarily. But on the first date if he asked you to be there he needs to just save his pennies and figure it out. You don’t need to order anything outlandish. It's not necessary to have an appetizer, dessert, and the most expensive entrée just eat what you regularly would. He’ll offer or insist if he really wants you to order something more.
3. Complimenting you The hair, the makeup, the multiple outfit changes we go through and everything else definitely earn a compliment from the person you got ready for. It’s a must for him to acknowledge you. And trust me if he doesn’t say anything you’ll notice (I did, and now I realize the difference it makes)
4. Not Making any Advances In most cases on a first date you don’t really know this person very well, he shouldn’t be going for any cheap feels. No hands should be touching you anywhere... lower back, butt, etc. Although, maybe hand holding depending on how you feel.
5. Extras There are always a few things that guys do that show they've gone the extra mile. All these things have to be taken into account. Definitely "sweat the small stuff" and recognize the little things   
• pulling out a chair
• opening the car door (opening doors is a must! The car door is preferable but I'm counting it as an extra)
• flowers 

Pure tip: If you don’t really know this guy super well then take some precaution. Text your friends where you’re going from your phone or different choice apps like "Glympse" you can send your friends or your parents your exact location. Also if you ever feel unsafe or uncomfortable make sure you have a plan B to get home. (Where I live we call Uber!) It sounds kind of crazy but better safe than sorry. You don’t want to be the next Amber alert just because you wanted a bae.

Things WE should do:

1. If he asks, be Decisive  Sometimes guys ask a question like "Where would you like to go out to eat" or "what movie do you want to watch", even if you are feeling unsure just give an answer. If he's asking then he wants to know and you don't want him to end up picking something that you hate. That'll be a waste of everyone's time. 
2. Dress Modestly Wear something cute, we all want to be attractive of course but if you wear something too revealing and then say you’re waiting for marriage you’re going to leave the guy pretty puzzled. The way a person presents themselves says a lot about them so make sure your clothes aren't sending a message you don't want. What you should wear depends on where you're going.on the date, just always dress 
3. Compliment Him Don’t be afraid to say something sweet, and show gratitude. Girls like compliments and guys like them too. Don’t start praising him but one or two nice comments will be appreciated.
4. Don’t take any Selfies This really applies to both parties. Keep the phone away. Especially on the first date you don’t want to look like your mind is elsewhere or you're bored(even if you are). Hopefully this guy planned this date and spent time getting  ready just like you and he’s even about to pay for you, so give him a chance and leave your phone in your purse.
5. DON'T KISS HIM Nothing worth waiting for is given on the first date. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. A good hug isn’t bad if everything went well and simply making a point to say you had a good time is enough, even texting him later/the next day should suffice. Getting the message across that the date was fun doesn't have to include kissing. 

Comment down below with what you think about these tips a tricks and good luck on your next date ;) I’m not saying that any of these things are deal breakers but you should definitely not forget about them.

XOXO Pure Jess

P.S. Be ready for my next video this TUESDAY and

check out my last video All About Pure Jess (12 Questions)

All About Pure Jess (12 Questions)

Hey guys! Thank you so much for tuning into my first video! It's really exciting for me to be on this journey of starting Pure Jess and watching everything grow. This YouTube channel is just going to keep it all going! Let me know what you think in the comments section below and be sure to come back on Friday for my next post!



XOXO Pure Jess

If this is your first time visiting my page make sure to read my introduction Pure Jess Introduction

My Outlook on Relationships

Recently I've been "talking to someone" luckily they don’t know about my blog yet so I'm in a free space lol. But anyway it's brought so many questions to my mind lately. In the past I never get past this “talking phase”. Something always happens that gets in the way of me being someone’s girlfriend. That be that the guy doesn't like me, he finds someone else to date, or he just decides not to call me ever (unannounced to me what I did wrong). I have so many stories of talking to guys and it not working out, and it has never been my decision. I know I’m only 18 but high school felt like forever and my college luck has yet to change. I always wanted a boyfriend so badly in high school but I just couldn't quite get there for some reason. Recently I realized that maybe it just wasn't the time. There are no coincidences when you're dealing with God and if any of those relationships would've worked out I know I would be a completely different person right now. That being because half of those guys were definitely not boyfriend material and because being single gave me a chance to know myself, know God, and really pursue my own aspirations. I lacked confidence and independence for the first half of high school and if I would’ve started dating any one then I would probably still have the same troubles now. Also when I was younger I NEVER thought I was going to hold out sex in a relationship for longer than like 6 months so I definitely wouldn't have a blog called Pure Jess. There are so many reasons that I feel like God blocked me from having what I THOUGHT I "needed".    

I would always looked around me and hated being alone.  How did so-and-so get a boyfriend? Why am I never enough for anybody? How come I don’t have a valentine, or a prom date, or a bae? There were so many depressing days when I really felt like I was missing a whole life experience that I couldn't get back. True that I didn't have something, but a boyfriend isn't everything. Most of high school I managed to not really have friends either..... Luckily I redeemed myself during senior year in the friends department but moving to college doesn't always make those easy to maintain.

But anyway I still never really formed a friendship that deep. A best friend, a person, someone I could tell anything to, an unconditional relationship......  besides my mom I never really talked to anyone that deep. So thinking of the possibility of really having a boyfriend at this point is kind of weird because I don't even have a close friend so now I'm opening myself up to a relationship that’s going to consume my days, take my thoughts, become so much of my life and be so deep… so I hear.

After wanting one so bad for so long now I just get a headache when I think about it. I mean what does one do with a boyfriend? Do you take it for walks, do you feed it, does it need sunlight.... what if I don't feel like hanging out, or what about when I have to relay the message that essentially he’s only getting sex from me if we get married. What a great prize… if he even enters the race with that condition. People are so complicated, there are so many different variables to a person. In the end with friendships I've mostly been left disappointed... so now that the stakes are raised, what will I do? Not that I’m the perfect person of course but I've always seemed to end up being that "server friend". When you need something you can call me, we can talk for however long, go where you want to go, and follow your speed. That slight occurrence when I need something.... well we'll see if it’s convenient. I've had a few greats so I'm not going to say this happens all the time, just about 97%. My outlook on romantic relationships definitely stems from friendships. And sometimes I can admit maybe I could speak up more for what I need and what I don’t get. But do I really have to beg for attention… It always sounds so pathetic in my mind. “Can you listen to me more”, don’t do this, don’t do that. “I hate when you____” It makes me feel ___ when you do that” “could you spend more time on me”… I really hate doing that. Partly because sometimes it just doesn’t work. And partly because don’t people take the time to ask you how you’re doing if they really care? Must I really have to give directions? So if someone doesn’t seem to care that much must I really beg for their compassion… I would rather just watch Netflix with bag of chips and not expect much from them moving forward. And although I grew to enjoy my time alone with no friends I eventually ran into some roadblocks there too because when you don’t have them then if you want to go to the movies or a party you have to stay home, or if you get exciting news you have no one to tell, or when you need advice while your texting a guy there’s nobody you can call and ask. Then you get all depressed and lonely……. It’s so hard out here.

That’s why the only person who can really fill a void is God, because he’s always there, he doesn’t leave you and sometimes you might feel disappointed but you know he’s looking out for you and whatever you do he won’t leave you. There’s so much security and safety. Some people don’t have any faith and rely on the world around them. I feel no peace in the world around me without God as my foundation so it’s always really interesting when people say that. I almost laugh to myself like man, they must have a great best friend or a boyfriend. I wouldn’t trade God for anyone on Earth obviously but still, it’s interesting to me.

BTW this is not just a “I have no friends” rant. This is directly connected to purity because all the experiences you have in life contribute to how you act and respond in other areas. Purity goes deeper than just saving yourself for marriage. It’s how you live life every day. Also don’t feel bad for me. When I look back I wouldn’t have things any other way, I like who am a lot and all those sad days brought me to better ones today. I feel stronger and wiser. Growth happens outside of comfort. So I couldn’t appreciate the lessons that came out of that chapter until I started a new one. Now I look back satisfied. Still low-key wishing I would’ve had a prom date though but I’ll survive lol. This was just a little self-reflection.

            It’s such a weird thing. You can’t give up hope because life with no hope is hopeless so you just have to have faith that the next friendships and relationships are better and that things work out. As far as this possible boyfriend situation nothing’s official so we’ll see, I’ll keep you guys posted ;) 

XOXO Pure Jess

If you liked this post check out my other blog post Why Shouldn't I Just Have Sex?

*To comment on posts you may have to click on the title and view the post separately from the home page! 

If this is your first time visiting my page make sure to read my introduction Pure Jess Introduction

Celebrities that Waited Until Marriage

Every week I always watch this talk show called The Real and one of the hosts is Tamera Mowry- Housley. She was on a show called Sister Sister on Disney Channel back when I was in Elementary school and I’ve always been a huge fan. On a lot of the episodes of The Real she talks about how she stayed a virgin until she was 28 and felt guilty after having sex with her now husband, Adam Housley, out of wedlock. After they had sex the first time they decided to wait until they were officially married to have sex again. This made me curious to know what other celebrities waited until marriage. So below I compiled a list of celebrities that either kept their virginity until marriage or famous couples that decided to recommit when they got in serious relationships.

Adriana Lima (Victoria Secret model) Despite dating several other high profile celebrities it was important for Lima to save herself for marriage. At the age of 27 she married her former husband Marko Jaric who previously played for the NBA.

Jessica Simpson (musician, designer, and actress) Simpson vowed to save herself for marriage publicly and did so before her first marriage to singer Nick Lachey in 2002.

  

Julianne Hough (dancer and actress) Hough grew up in a traditional Mormon household with the idea of saving herself for marriage being very emphasized. In the beginning of her career she had several interviews where she expressed her views on saving her virginity until after she was married. It isn't confirmed if she still lives by this choice or if she has changed her mind.

Grey’s Anatomy star Sarah Drew (actress) plays a character on the show named April Keppener who is a devout Christian that saved herself for marriage. Interestingly enough Drew actually lived out this same decision in her own life and married her current husband Peter Lanfer in 2002.

Carrie Underwood (musician) The dedicated Christian waited until she found her husband Mike Fisher and got married in 2010.

Heidi Montag (former reality TV star) Even though she lived on the party scene in Beverly Hills Montag still preserved her virginity until marrying her husband Spencer Pratt.

Lisa Kudrow, (actress) The beloved Friends star stayed true to herself and waited until she married her husband at age 31 before having sex.

Tina Fey (actress and comedian)  Fey was abstinent until marrying her husband when she was 24 years old.

 Lolo Jones (Olympic athlete) Professional athlete Lolo Jones is currently single and has described abstaining from sex as harder than training for the Olympics! 

Ciara (musician) and her boyfriend Russel Wilson, (Sea Hawks football player) are practicing celibacy in their relationship. Although Ciara was not practicing celibacy in other relationships prior to Wilson they decided mutually that in order to get to know each other and have a meaningful relationship they wanted to keep sex/physical things out of it.

Mariah Carey (musician) and Nick Cannon (producer, comedian, and actor) chose to save their first time having sex together until after their wedding to consummate their marriage. Even though they unfortunately divorced after 6 years.

  

Movie producer, actor, and Pastor Devon Franklin committed to celibacy for 10 years before meeting his wife, actress Meagan Good. 

     Good decided to become abstinent after experiencing many hard relationships in the past. After re-committing to save herself for marriage the Lord revealed to Good that Franklin would be her husband and eventually they dated. 
        Leading up to marriage they were both very intentional and kept God first in their relationship. They fasted together, prayed together and eventually got married in 2012.

Hopefully this post was interesting! Definitely let me know in the comments section below if you hear about anymore of your favorite celebs that were abstinent!

XOXO Pure Jess

For more reasons to wait check out my blog post Why Shouldn't I Just Have Sex?

To comment on posts you may have to click on the title and view the post separately from the home page! 

If this is your first time visiting my page make sure to read my introduction Pure Jess Introduction

What Motivates Me to Wait?

      My aunt asked me yesterday, What keeps me from wanting to have sex, and what motivates me to keep going? I had an answer immediately to what helps me the most…. God. My relationship with him is what drives me and keeps me motivated. There is no better accountability partner than Him. There’s no person, ring, or even yourself alone that can stop you from giving in to your flesh and your desires. I have strength through him. I can do all this through him who gives me strength. Phil. 4:13 The last thing I ever want to do is sound "preachy" but honestly when I think about it, I couldn’t do anything alone. I forgive because I know God always forgives me. I try my best to listen and give good advice because God is always there to listen whenever I call. 
    Waiting for marriage is something deep in my heart that I know he wants me to do. To fulfill my purpose and live my life I just have to wait. It’s hard to live by the Bible all the time, but you have to at least try to be in perfect pursuit. God honors all the sacrifices and choices that we make. He knows full well the discipline that is being practiced when following his word. You just have to seek him 100% with your whole heart. He wants the best for you and for all your desires to happen. How can someone not want to heed the advice of a loving father? God has all the answers, so there’s security. You’re not taking advice from a best friend who knows nothing or someone who may lead you astray. You’re literally getting help from the one who knows your future. He knows the secret turn you need to take, the passageway you have to find, and the number of nights it will be before you get there. He has designed special steps and a purpose just for you, so how can we not want to live out that journey that was made specifically for us.

    Knowing that I have such a great and loving God helps me live fearlessly. Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” Deut. 31:6. I’ve lost many friends, there are people who want to see me fail, and there are a lot of boys that never thought I was enough. But God has never left me, even when I’m not as faithful as I should be, even when I sin, even when I’ve tried to ignore his advice. When I come back he forgives me and loves me just the same. The grace he extends to people is paramount. He wants me to prosper and have whatever I need. For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jere. 29:11  All I am to the world is an 18 year old girl but He thinks enough of me to give my life meaning. God sees me as more, greater, and better so I decide to take his perspective on me and apply it when I do things. I’m definitely not perfect but like I said. I’m in pursuit. I’m growing, learning, transforming, and getting better every day. That’s the whole point of life. You never stop learning and you never stop getting better. You just need a driving force…. GOD.

   Speak to him today even if you haven’t in awhile his love is still there for you. Start with telling him about your day and how you’re feeling. Don’t make it complicated, don’t make it weird, and don’t wait! Right now is the perfect moment. Make that connection because it'll change everything. Make your moves intentionally, wait for your roommate/spouse to leave, find a place where you can be alone, do whatever you need to do and have a moment with Him. And don’t just do it once, sometimes people expect a two minute prayer once a year to reap abundance and get impatient when they don’t see results. God gives confirmation and you’ll know when you feel it. But you have to be ready and you have to be listening. Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. Matt. 7:7

XOXO Pure Jess

For more reasons to wait check out my blog post Why Shouldn't I Just Have Sex?

To comment on posts you may have to click on the title and view the post separately from the home page! 

If this is your first time visiting my page make sure to read my introduction Pure Jess Introduction