Do's and Don'ts of Dating While Saving Yourself in College

  It’s hard to start dating a guy nowadays while trying to avoid the physical things. Our generation in 2016 has truly created a "Hookup Culture". Meaning that sex now has a place in any level of a relationship. Trying to preserve your virginity for marriage has seemingly become a foreign concept in a lot of ways. Because of over-sexualized commercials, one-night stands glorified on tv, and living together before marriage becoming socially acceptable it's really difficult to try and combat that. But, even with odds stacked against you, you don't have to feel like there's any goal you can't reach. If you want to save yourself for marriage you can do it, if you actually set your mind to it. But, once you start dating someone you can’t lose sight of those goals, because saving yourself while you’re in a relationship is a much bigger challenge than when you’re single. So how do you avoid the physical stuff? How do you get treated how you deserve? How do live each day in your relationship with the appropriate boundaries? These are the questions that every girl wants to know. Below I have some quick DO’s and DON’TS that’ll help you start moving in the right direction.

DO’s

• Say what you want -Every girl that guys encounter has different standards so sometimes boys aren’t sure where to start. That being said you may have to point them in the right direction, but that’s okay. You don’t have to settle for less, a guy should want to make you happy and meet your standards. If he doesn’t want to put in the effort then that’s a major red flag and you should just STOP everything. I’m not referring to any “diva demands” here, but the simple things count and if he isn't putting in enough effort in the beginning then you already know that as time goes on things will only get worse. A strong foundation has to be set in order for your relationship to thrive. If you want a guy to walk you to your door, set up the dates or do particular things then mention it. Don’t lay down your standards to meet what he wants to put up. If you act like you’re not expecting much then you're setting a strong precedence that will only harm you in the long run.

• Communicate Clearly -The more serious the issue, the more direct you should be about it. If you don’t want to do something, then set those boundaries. In most cases when “things go too far” physically, it’s because there was never a discussion about how much was too much. You don’t want to get caught up in the moment and get pushed passed the line you promised yourself wouldn't be crossed. Bringing this subject up can sometimes be awkward, and a lot of girls worry about how their boyfriends will feel about it. But, if you’re that worried he’s going to leave you then that’s a clear sign you shouldn’t be with him. If you have a trust and a bond with someone then you should feel comfortable with talking to them about things. That’s why it is important NOT to get physical. Those aspects always have a way of taking over the relationship. A true relationship connection needs a strong foundation that’s based on things outside of intimacy. Otherwise when the sex gets old (and it will) he'll be moving on to the next girl.

• Remember your worth - Pebbles get stepped over and diamonds are treasured forever. Don't let a guy determine your worth, you should already have it set. Don't let him down play you. Just because the last girl he was with never held him accountable for anything doesn't mean that you have to follow suit. Your standards are already higher! Hopefully before you get exclusive with someone these things are established but if not, it's never too late to speak up for how you want your relationship to be. We have to be bold and take a stand for ourselves sometimes.

• Cut him some slack- Nobody is perfect and he is learning and growing just like you. Flaws are a part of every person, sometimes us girls have the habit of dreaming of prince charming from the movies and forget that he's not actually real. The same way that you have imperfections is the same way that your boyfriend will. Coming up with an unattainable list of things he must do, be, or have is not going to find you any happiness. College is a major time of growth and transition which isn't always pretty, so be reasonable with your expectations.

• Be appreciative -When a guy does something wrong he's going to have consequences (most likely including anger or pettiness) so if he does something right you should still react…with some gratitude. Sometimes, just as I said before, girls can miss standards and hit entitlement. You don’t want to become an ungrateful turn off, so be sure to be thankful. When you do things for him you’ll be expecting the same appreciation, and in order to get certain treatment you have to give it. Hypocrites are no fun.

Don'ts

•  Being on the bed together - In a college dorm the only seating options are 1 desk chair and your bed. So when you have a guest (especially a guy) it’s hard to know where to put them when they’re in your room. I’m suggesting ANYWHERE besides the bed. Even though it’s the normal place where you and your friends probably sit, it’s still potentially leading into a situation you want to avoid. Sitting on your bed with your girlfriends is different than sitting there with your boyfriend. I suggest ushering him to a seat that’s pre-planned. That way after he sits you can sit on your bed and have him in your chair or somewhere else. If you leave it up to him to choose you’re going to end up somewhere you don’t want to be.

     Pure Tip: If he tries to prompt you to accompany him on the bed, then offer him some food or a drink. By the time you give it to him he'll forget he asked and you can quickly sit somewhere else.

• Have Sleepovers -Never sleep over if you intend on keeping the V-card. If you start napping with him or sleeping with him then you are partaking in an intimate time that is supposed to be reserved for marriage. You may think that you’re just sleeping but being under those covers is going to eventually wreak havoc. Even if the first time stays appropriate it will slowly progress into more. Colleges only provide small twin beds after all so it's not like you can lay down that far apart……

• Pay too much attention to what your friends are doing- . You have your own pace and you must trust your pace! Every rule you've made is for a reason. When you look at your friend’s relationships, they might be showing all kinds of PDA and doing activities that you want to keep out of your relationship. Everyone is different and you can’t feel pressured to keep up with what "everybody is doing". If your end goal (saving yourself) is different then there’s, then that’s probably why the variables of your relationships will also differ. Don’t get distracted or intimidated, just focus on what you are doing in your life. (Obviously, your friends aren’t taking any pages out of your book). That’s easier said than done, but you and your partner can work on it. The boundaries you’ve set can’t be broken… once you blur the lines you’ve drawn, they are bound to be completely erased within a matter of time

• Become a tease -Eluding that you're willing to do something that you're not is NEVER a good idea. If you aren’t planning on crossing any lines, then don’t act like you will. Becoming an unreliable tease is not a good look. Don’t lose credibility by exhibiting inappropriate behavior that is inconsistent with how you want to be viewed. Once you make him think you’re going to do something and then you renege last minute, you’re just going to cause confusion in your relationship. Keep your actions consistent with your words.

• Build your life around him- Make sure you continue to pursue your goals and dreams first even when you have a boyfriend. 9/10 times relationships are temporary,you want to enjoy them but if you make them the center of your life then when it’s over you have to consider what condition you’ll be in. Exclusively dating someone is NOT A MARRIAGE so keep your priorities in line. (hint hint Mr. Right comes after God, yourself, and your schoolwork.)

• Be alone in your room - It happens on occasion but you have to try and get out of those situations. You can always talk alone in a restaurant, outside on a bench or another spot that is in a public space. Of course you want alone time, but that doesn’t mean you have to be completely alone, or in your room with quick access to a bed. You don’t want to put yourself in circumstances that could quickly lead you to “messing up”.

I really hope these tips help you out. It can be hard to follow rules, but in the long run once you reach your goal, these things will be minuscule. And you’ll have much stronger relationships by relying on conversation and fun experiences rather than physical connection. As I stated earlier it's easier said than done but that doesn't mean it can't happen!

XOXO Pure Jess

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